Dasher, his Party and the Panthers go completely off Track

Dasher Denning our guest reporter from Grockles describes the rails comming off for his crowd and for Middlesex, lots of records broken and many toilet visits where on return he heard of mass embarassment for our fielders and a fan. I asked him to put a positive Middx spin on this, so he kindly reported in detail of our first 8 balls bowled. Given my statement when it was going pear shaped perhaps it was just as well it wasn't close. Read on.

Twenty20 competitions. The highest ever partnership in domestic Twenty20. The second highest T20 partnership in history. The first time ever in a Twenty20 game that two players have got centuries in one innings. Oh, and Scott Newman’s comedy fielding. All in all, a pretty nondescript day at the Uxbridge Cricket Festival.

To be honest, there wasn’t really much expectation of a record-breaking day in world cricket as the Gloucestershire hordes gathered in the waiting area at Bristol Parkway station (well, seven of them plus me the token Somerset fan) ahead of what was being billed as the Wooden Spoon decider in the Friends Life Twenty20 Southern Section. In a manner that seemed to sum up the records of both teams in this competition so far, the train we got on decided to go backwards out of Parkway station, go on a complete roundabout route to London and grind to a complete halt halfway between Swindon and Didcot as a result of the driver managing to whack “an overhanging speed restriction board”. We did though manage to keep ourselves entertained throughout all of this with the headline stories in a local West Country paper called the Sunday Independent (certainly not to be confused with the Independent on Sunday). Top stories on this day included “cow on the crest of a wave” (a surfing cow no less), “penguin is put on a drip”, “cat has swimming lessons” and “earthquake in Boveytracey”. You don’t get that type of quality in the Evening Standard.  

Anyway, we finally managed to get to Uxbridge and after a brief visit to a couple of hostelries (the Queen’s Head and the Wetherspoons) we got to the ground about 20 minutes before the off. We walked in to hear Dawid Malan talking about winning the toss and “having a bowl”, words that will probably bring him out in a cold sweat in the middle of the night for many years to come. After a quick Bulmers in the clubhouse and the application of suntan lotion for what seemed like the first time this season the teams entered the pitch, Middlesex in an outfit that can only be described as luminous pink. Man on the Mike Jed Pitman – (in)famous for his appearances on the local news in Bristol in years gone by – was serenaded with a chorus of “HTV Reject” by the travelling support.

It’s fair to say that the first over of the Gloucestershire innings didn’t really set the tone for what was to come, a solitary run coming off the bowling of Toby Roland-Jones. The second over, from Gatting Way (the widest road in Middlesex?), started in similar fashion, with two Anthony Ireland dot balls. However, any thoughts that Gus Fraser had turned the ex-Gloucester man into a miserly line and length bowler during the course of the close season were quickly dispelled as his next two balls disappeared to the boundary for four.  He eventually finished with figures of 4-0-57-1.

Thereafter it was carnage all the way. I don’t know if the start of it coincided with a bloke nearby taking a call on his mobile with Secret Affair’s “Time For Action” as his ringtone, but I thought I’d give it a name check anyway as I enjoyed it. But regardless of what started it, there was little doubt that the bedlam that followed made Nasser Hussain’s decision to bowl in Brisbane in November 2002 seem a masterstroke in comparison with Dawid Malan’s decision to field. Or as one Gloucester fan with a Masters Degree in understatement observed halfway through the opening stand of 192 - “cracking toss to lose”.

You could write a report alone on the various records set and numbers racked up during what was 18.4 overs of sheer butchery. I mentioned a fair number of the record-breaking achievements at the start of the report so, bearing in mind the target audience of this website, I’ll leave it at that. I’ll just say that it reminded me of a certain night I spent in Bangalore at the start of March this year when Kevin O’Brien went similarly mad. Just replace Jimmy Anderson standing there doing a double teapot as another ball sailed out of the ground with Toby Roland-Jones and you’ve pretty much got it. It’s probably best that I don’t mention to Middlesex fans that prior to this game O’Brien had scored just 102 runs in seven T20 matches for Gloucestershire. He equalled that in 44 balls yesterday.  

To keep the major understatement theme going, it has to be said that Middlesex really didn’t help themselves in the field with a host of chances being put down. Trying to be kind, the first two from O’Brien went so high that the pilots on the nearby Heathrow flight path had to take evasive action but there were a number of easier ones that went down, with Scott Newman the chief culprit. I was in the loo when he completed his hat trick of drops but the word dolly got mentioned a few times on my return. I’m sure the two weren’t linked, but he left the field shortly afterwards - “damaged pride” was the overwhelming winner in the injury diagnosis conversation that took place on the boundary. Having said that, Newman’s wasn’t the worst fielding performance of the day. That was managed by Gloucester fan Peter “Donut Boy” Teague who managed to put down a sitter that had bounced over the boundary advertising boards, making a mockery of his earlier claim that he’d captained a local club side the previous Sunday.

The mood of the Middlesex fans was interesting to observe as the Gloucester innings went from boundary to, er, boundary. One of the optimists (Lower Pavilion?) declared boldly about 15 overs in that you should “never judge a wicket until both sides have batted” while Beefy was quite rightly of the opinion that records are there to be broken and if Gloucestershire could do it then so could Middlesex. Kev’s glass was more half empty however: “If we chase this down I’ll do a streak”. Thankfully that was never even a remote possibility as I really didn’t want to see what was below the Australian lifeguard/Baywatch yellow vest and red shorts combo he’d turned up in.

That bad is it?

It’s fair to say that Middlesex, in their reply, went off like a train. Well, to be more precise, they went off like the train we’d been on earlier that day – going the wrong way and grinding to a complete halt after a very short while. It’s fair to say that when you’re chasing 255 to win in 20 overs you don’t really want to find yourself 1-2.

Again, it was interesting to observe the reactions of the Middlesex fans during all of this. I think it was around the 45-5 point, just after a Middlesex player had been stumped off a wide, that one of the natives started to get very restless, shouting at Gus Fraser on the players’ balcony something along the lines of he didn’t think he’d got very good value from his £15 entrance fee. It took me back to my old school days when Gus eventually trundled down from the balcony to shouts of “hit him” and “fight, fight, fight” from people who finally sensed a modicum of competitive action that hadn’t been evident on the pitch all afternoon. A bit like the game itself, though, it quickly fizzled out. Probably the only other talking point was Jamie Dalrymple retiring hurt. Unfortunately this was also while I was in the loo so I’m not sure whether it was a Gloucester fan or a local who christened him Jamie DalWIMPle. Harsh.

Happily, there was plenty of gallows humour from the locals as the game petered out. Kev, who was perhaps relishing the fact that he wouldn’t have to do a streak, advised one of the lower order to “play yourself in, we only need 19 an over”. The local DJ also joined in on the act, deciding for one Middlesex boundary to play that tune that goes something like “do you really like it, do you really like it, we’re lovin’ it, lovin’ it, lovin’ it”. Not sure many of the locals would have agreed as the home side crawled to 149-8 off their twenty overs.

And so ended one of the more bizarre days of English cricket I’ve been to.