George and Alex urge Arsenal to be manly

Champions 2004
By Boris Mellor
November 13 2004

These two footballing legends have led blameless lives. In the article below Arsenal Times guest pundit Boris Mellor argues Arsenal would do well to follow the example these paragons of virtue have set.

Best believes that handing out food and drink to your opponents lacks the manliness of his day and age. Best urges players to use their fists more (but not on the missus please lads). Yes he and the old Man U would have given the Arsenal a good hiding before they got down the tunnel. That's assuming he had turned up for the game.

Other tips from the good old days are not turning up for training, or turning up drunk. Appear on TV interviews drunk, and get into fights in pubs and clubs. This modern day obsession with healthy food, mineral water, and strict training is ruining the game. Another wheeze is to save on hotel bills, convince the landlady you have drowned -sending friends to collect your luggage. Fall about laughing as she collapses in shock.

Another Man U celebrity with advice on how to behave is Sir Alex. He is appalled by food fights, someone could get really hurt by a deep pan pizza. In his day (about a year ago) post match anger was settled by kicking a boot in to a players face. This is far more manly and less dangerous than food fights. Also if you do it in the privacy of your own dressing room there is no risk of any witnesses, leastways not any that would be prepared to spill the beans (no pun intended).

Another tip that Arsene could take from Sir Alex which would also increase his salary is to  make a relative or close friend the agent in charge of major transfers. If anyone upsets you then transfer them immediately, not only itimidating the rest of the players, but also gaining another handsome pay off. Compile a video of every foul or near foul that happens against you, claim they are assault and the worse thing you have ever seen and send it to the FA 10 days after the game.

Another tip is provided by Roy Keane in his recent autobiography, he explained that on fouling an opponent he stands over them and tells the cheating c***t to get up. Another idea is to go around saying the FA Cup is a load of bollocks. You will be praised for your honesty and forthrightness,  but if its the only prize left kick your way to the final and celebrate like mad on beating Nationwide oppostion.

Arsenal should take these tips seriously and in no time they will be serious competitors for the moral high ground. Stop whinging lads why should Man U have all the manly ideas, get stuck in.