Lights, Camera, Carnage (Warws v Middx Pro40)

From Boulder to Birmingham

Emmylou Harris once said she would walk from Boulder to Birmingham for something.  I can’t remember exactly what (probably love or something equally Olympian) but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t to see Middlesex play. And on tonight’s showing I wouldn’t blame the silver haired songstress.  It would have been a long, long way from N13 to the Moseley Shoals to watch this.   

I had six beers to watch this to be squeezed in between Boy #1’s bath and close. I managed four and, dear reader please note here, these were the extremely ergonomic Heineken ”stubbies “ (I can hear the Turkey Squadrons hooting with derision from here at this pathetic imbibing). I am very fond of these little fellas because they stay very sharp to the bottom of the glass. A bit like that most excellent continental habit of serving beer in 33 cl measures. No flat beer here sirrah.  You might notice the slightly discursive tone of the piece thus far and you’d be right because I really am trying to avoid talking about the cricket.  [Editor’s note: yes, SE, this is good colour stuff.  Keep going.  I’m enjoying the distraction.  I’m even thinking of chiming in with a description of the Chilean white I was knocking back myself]

Déjà vu All Over Again

To say I was disappointed at our showing against Glamorgan is a huge understatement. I was livid but the scars have healed although when the wind howls down from the Ally Pally heights I get a twinge still. 

Tonight opened them up rubbed sea salt into them and then clumsily sewed them up with bison gut.  The weird thing is it didn’t really hurt.

It smarted a bit but I think I am getting a little anesthetised to our season. 

Positive(s) – part one

We had a stroke of luck at the start in that there was no sign of Bonnie Prince Charlie in the Sky set up tonight so we were off to a viewing flyer! [Editor’s note: indeed, during the interval when I sat down to make a few notes on positives to help balance the piece, the only positive I managed was “no Colville” before losing interest in noting positives.]

We lost the toss but were informed the Walrus would have fielded in any event so no loss there.   In truth we started well and it looked like we could do some damage on a very helpful pitch, but Mr Day Glo Knight batted extremely well to post 95 (and given out in bit of a shocker to one from JD that might just have hit the buses on the Bristol Road). [Editor’s note: that’s dreadfully unfair, SE.  The ball would have hit the stumps.  However, it did pitch some way outside leg stump, perhaps not too far from the Bristol Road, which made the decision a shocker, I agree]

Surveying the damage - part one

Knight’s innings inflicted most of the damage although he was pretty well supported by the other opener (Poonia), Powell and a cameo from Loudon. Can I just say here I have a really irrational dislike of Loudon.  His doosra is as hard to spot as Knutsford is from Jodrell Bank using that really big telescope.  I laughed when Keegan whacked him for six. It wasn’t a belly laugh or a chuckle. It was a hammer house cackle. Bhoy #2 looked extremely alarmed.  

Incidentally I also think Streak looks increasingly like a cartoon super hero. StreakMan. Or The Streak. Truth be told on the Warks effort, we bowled pretty much hopelessly given the assistance in the pitch. Bob Willis kindly said the Walrus would be “disappointed”. That’s one word for it.  Day Glo Knight said after (and I thought just about suppressing hysterical laughter) that 220 would have been an “exceptional” score.  Lord only knows what he made of their total of 228. StreakManTastic probably.  One thing is certain, they knew they were home and hosed although he was at great pains to single out the contribution of StreakMan who ended our interest in the contest after effectively 12 balls in superhuman fashion. The truth was he knew it, Murdoch’s Merry men knew it and I, alone with a mute babe in arms, knew it. 

Surveying the damage – part two

We had a go for 10 odd minutes. Weeksey out first ball. Eddie Quack for one and we were 5/2.  Have we all seen this before- you betcha!  [Editor’s note: I thought that Edo’s score of 1 was infinitely better than the 0 many readers were expecting of him]. 

Compo holed out to StreakMan or “bloody git man stop bowling out our hapless top order”.  Bye bye Compo.  Can 3 opened.  I decided to pick up my drinking pace, as this wasn’t looking like a six can match. JD copped a compensatory shocker from Bailey and the Walrus got what he deserved.  An extremely ill disciplined top order performance left us at 50 odd for 5. Even mute babes in arms know that you don’t win one-dayers from there.

Baby didn’t say as much because he can’t talk, but he looked at me very knowingly.  Willis of the mightiest monotone in the civilised world described the batsmen as being “found wanting technically”.  At least I think he said that, because I had opened up can 4 to ward of the fact he was talking for more than 3 sentences. That sends me and babe in arms to zed zed land. If he did say it he was bang on.

Positives – part two

To the bright spots - that Morgan is mint every time I see him. Fearless and a little unlucky to get bowled of his bat and leg by Harris.  [Editor’s note: that’s how I got out on Sunday and it does feel like the unluckiest dismissal on earth when it happens to you.  At this point the resemblance between my batting and Eoin Morgan’s batting ends, BTW.  Big Bob might well have said that I had been “found wanting technically” despite the unfortunate mode of dismissal] 

It’s a shame he is at 19 unrelentingly deserted by senior colleagues. Second was Keegan and J-Lo’s fun. A couple of big sixes one close to the Sky gantry in the gloaming. I love hearing the commentary increase an octave when they see it dropping out of the night sky.  Schadenfreude? You can’t whack it.

Beer 4 saw me genuinely spitting out my beer as sleepy napper Harris catching 40 winks on the rope ambled vacuously infield after catching a free hit oblivious to Carter’s schoolboy eppy in the middle as Chad and J-Lo took the runs.

In summary 

The tail did some wagging but this game was depressing from a Middlesex point of view. Botham said it wasn’t a great advert for one day cricket. It wasn’t a great advert for beer drinking either.  Sky’s posse of great and boring thought it all amounted to a good recovery for Warks following their pummelling at Hove. They were being kind to us. We made them look way way better than they were. That knack of making others look good is becoming a habit for us this season as we are routinely pummelled in all forms of the game. 

All I can say is, I can’t wait for this season to end.  

Reasons to be cheerful – Part Three

[Editor’s note: that’s all he wrote, folks!]