Only here for the _ _ _ _

By Barmy Kev
December 6 2002

As you no doubt know, our very own member of the Barmy Army, Kev is in Australia for the Ashes. I am delighted to say that before he left he agreed to do diary of his trip. Here is the first instalment.

Day 1.

Arrive in Perth-full of optimism-despite 1st two tests. Given QPR + Wasps poor run of results, I felt somewhere the tide has to turn.

Nasser wins toss--chooses to bat. Brett Lee for Bichel because of bouncy wicket. Chants of we're going to win 3-2. Treso and Vaughan get off to a confident start, visions of batting to lunch without losing a wicket. Then at 47 Treso, who had been dropped twice before caught behind. Butch. Next in slowly playing himself in, hang around 1/2 an hour for 9 backing up to Vaughan-calls a ridiculous single-Vaughan says no. A superb through from Steve Waugh runs him out stranded. What a waste. Then just before lunch Nasser is adjudged caught behind hooking by Rudi Koertzen (are you an Aussie in disguise). Replays proved this decision to be a shocker.

After lunch it was felt, if Vaughan can hang around we could still build a reasonable total. However, straight after he got caught behind for 34. Stewart didn't last much longer and we suddenly find ourselves down to the tail. Chalkie White out with a pathetic swipe. Tudor, never hit a ball properly before he was out for a duck. Luckily Dawson steadied things with Key. Then over before tea on 47, they put on part time bowler Damien Martin having survived with great composure, Lee, McGrath, Gillespie and Warne. I was ready for my "who need Runs4cash when we've got Robert Key" chant. So what does he do, plays on to an innocuous delivery. Dawson, Silverwood and Harmison put on some runs and 185 was a better score, than at one stage expected.

So we have 23 overs left at the Aussies. We've been struggling on a bouncy pitch at less than 3 an over. Really, lets see what this pitch can do. So what happens they reach 50 in the 7the over for 1 wicket of Langer due to a run out. Harmison was particularly inaccurate from Slater school of bowling. We managed to get Hayden out caught on boundary hooking. But the 126 for 2 score at close looked formidable.

Found out Silverwood is injured and out of match. This injury list is ridiculous.

Then off to the hockey. Fans taking by coach from the ground. My "we're only here for the Hockey, here for hockey" chant went down well on the journey. We lost this 3-1, but the girls put up a good performance and they certainly made Aussies work hard for the win and could have gone either way. My favourite chant at the end " Swap you shirts, swap your shirts etc.

Day 2

Day starts with me in an optimistic mood, and then I get a text message from Slater informing me QPR lost 4-0 at home to Cardiff.

Never mind, I'm only here for the cricket. We can still do it early break through crucial. Harmison, actually bowling at the stumps and Tudor looked threading early on, even a maiden riot, but failed to break through. This to me was the defining moment, first change Butcher bowling military medium absolutely no threat. Why??? Dawson only given 5 overs (out of 100) all innings. Nasser you don’t know what your doing. Chalky White manages to get Pointing for 19, played on to an in swinger. But that s the only joy to lunch.

Lehman and Martyn survive to strong caught behind appeals (Koertzen, Aussie in disguise), eventually Lehman is caught out in deep, this can't be disallowed. Meaning Waugh comes in and hits a confident 50. We get Martyn for 71 just before tea.

Gilchrist next in, and on 0 gets caught at slip off a no ball and suddenly there’s a run riot to follow. Fortunately Tudor catches him on the boundary edge for 38 off of 28 balls. However, half way down to the pavilion he's called back by Waugh insisting on 3rd umpire ruling (same old Aussies always cheating). He was eventually given out. Why the fuss on something clear-cut I don't know. Waugh is out soon after, just down to the tail, but in true Australian fashion Warne, Lee and Gillespie all make 30+ scores with an 8 NO for McGrath.

So 22 overs for England to face. Treso who looked completely off form out for a painstaking 4. Time for a barmy chant "Trescothick Superstar scores less runs then Glenn McGrath". With 8 overs to go Dawson in, presumably as nightwatchman just about survives. Phew!

Another bad day at the office. The way again our bowlers were battered, especially by the tail, and then the struggle at the end really summed things up"

Day 3

Once again walked to WACA trying to feel optimistic. So long as we get a good start who knows. We're going to win 3-2. 3-2, we're going to win 3-2.

So with no runs scored Dawson's out-not to worry only our night watchman. 3 overs gone, no runs scored. Then Vaughan hits a "single". I shout out " its a run riot". From this shot there's a misfield Butch calls Vaughan for a second, then changes his mind. Vaughan, our main hope is needlessly run out. Next ball, Butcher is plum LBW. Ball after Hussein is dropped by Warne, a sitter at first slip. We are 33-4. My cultural activities looked like occurring before lunch. Fortunately, Key and Hussein bat out confidently and slowly too lunch.

Key is out soon after lunch. But Stewart batting very aggressively moves things on with Nasser. Nass is dropped again at first slip off Warne, this could be vital reprieve. Then next bowl Rudi (Aussie in disguise) again gives him caught out behind when he clearly misses it. The private tantrum which was broadcasted I felt was very unfortunate, although an irony of it was that he broke one of Silverwood’s crutches during it.

After tea, so it is a matter of time. White looked quite comfortable until a R*mps rush of blood style hook, get him clearly stumped. Brett Lee sadly knocked out Tudor. This was at the time very worrying. Given, the potential severity of injury and the context of game, it was appalling he bowled a bouncer at Harmison 2 balls later. All out for 223 runs. Defeat by innings and 48 runs.

Overall, we can legitimately site injuries and bad umpiring as an excuse. But we were clearly outclassed in every department and in all honestly it was men versus boys.

The atmosphere was superb. All 3 days were enjoyable, despite the outcome and I will look back at each day with some great memories and laughs, which I will happily share with you at 'sex games this year. The final chant We're going to win 4-3 (don't ask me how)

Roll on the one dayers

England till I die

(barmy) Kev

Same old Somerset... Kev's pal, Dasher Denning, a Somerset fan tries to prove not only Kevin Shine can poach from Middlesex

A rare site: Kev with a glass of wine

The Barmy Army (some of them anyway) get ready for more humiliation