Do the Coconuts Fall Just Shy of Victory?

This maybe not cricket for the purists, but Kev reports on his experience on the big stage with some thrills spills, much confusion and a thrilling finish. Will Kev end up hero or villain? Read on preferably after a strong drink.

While on holiday I am always up for any sporting challenges on offer. This summer while Luke Wright was annoying Middlesex at Lord’s, I was in St Lucia and a willing volunteer for a cricket challenge involving the New England Patriots cheerleaders who were on tour for a photo shoot for their 2014 calendar.

The proposed format was 6 a side beach cricket 10 over bash with 3 cheerleaders and 3 hotel residents on each side.   There was a 2 O’clock start and needed to finish at 3 so they can prepare for their next photo shoot, I think for the March shot.   The sides were randomly selected (a bit like England). There was a 5 minute delay in starting as the rules were explained to the cheerleaders. I wasn’t convinced they understood. The umpire asked the captains to nominate their team names. Our cheerleader captain shouted our name “The Coconuts” and our opponents called themselves “Splish Splash”. The Coconuts won the toss and we chose to bat first with me nominated to bat at 5. There was a commentator on the tannoy trying to keep the crowd of 6 captivated. As the cheerleader was taking guard there was a shout from our team “who’s pitching”? The pitcher, I mean bowler was a cheerleader whose first ball was a given very wide as was the second ball. It turned out to be a 10 ball over, it could have been more, with not much bat ball contact due to wideness and ball being stuck in the sand. The commentator was struggling to keep his commentary upbeat. The first over was completed at 2:20 and concern about whether the pretty ladies would make their photo shoot. The commentator announced in his words “I think we may have to use the Duckwlell & Lewis method”.  There was further confusion amongst the cheerleaders on why they had to swap ends for the next over. This does get better I promise. Please read on.

One of the hotel residents bowled the second over and we had some proper ball and bat contact. There were a few boundaries into the sea and Splish Splash lost some wickets. It was then announced the match is now reduced to a six over game due to time constraints.   I was expecting to face a few overs.   In fact twice I was on the verge of going out to bat but the cheerleaders, bless them, dropped easy catches and my virtues as a team player came out, as I was disappointed not getting my chance to shine with a few overs left. Our score was moving on and extras were no longer top scorer with 1 over left. I was pleased when we lost a wicket off the first ball so had some time to bat, although max 5 balls.   I made a point of taking guard and prodding pitch. The score I think was 28-4 from 5, although need to check Cricinfo to be sure.   The first ball was a full toss, which I straight drove for a comfortable 2. The second ball I did not connect so well, but I decided to go for unlikely 2, I was safe towards the strikers end but my partner was run out. I played out the final over in true Clive Radley style prodding scampering between wickets and took our score to 34.  

Was this a good score? In words of LP never judge a wicket till both teams bat on it. For the reply, I was wicket keeper and a cheerleader said to me “you’re the backstop then”. I had no intention of bowling. The guy opening plays club cricket in Bucks league and funnily enough had a call during game asking whether he is playing tomorrow and he declined saying he was in St Lucia. This looked a lost cause as unless it was a skidder, any ball at length to bat was dispatched to the sea for a boundary. The commentator called him the “White Gary Sobers”, much to the amusement of the crowd of now 2, one my wife Olivia falling asleep.   A reasonable bowler was on he was fast medium pace and I chose to stand up in Ben Scott style. There was a thick edge at pace, I got my hands to ball, which popped out, but straight into hands of the cheerleader at gully. I embraced her followed by an apology for sand all over which won’t look good on her photo shoot.

The lady to my left was perfectly placed to take crucial catch

I wasn’t keeping track of the score, but despite “Sobers” dismissal I thought our Coconuts were out of it. Their run rate dropped and the penultimate over was well bowled by one of the residents but there was bad captaincy as this was his only over. Every one had a maximum of 2 overs to bowl and the final over was given to me due to no other viable option.

It was announced the final over Splish Slash needed 5 to win, with 3 wickets left   I calculated the best way to bowl was at medium pace to find the patch of sand just in front of bat that took spin regardless, careful that bowl is not too slow otherwise it may get stuck and it’s virtually a free hit. My first ball was perfect deceived the bat but also deceived my replacement backstop, I mean keeper, as she appeared concentrating too much thinking about her being pretty, there was a swiftly run one bye where me as bowler actually fielded behind the stumps.   I apologise for my tone, but I tersely requested she stood back and just stopped anything going through. Next ball bat was beaten and stopped by keeper standing back with me over the stumps at keepers end, a dot ball. 3^rd ball was too slow stuck in sand the free hit luckily only conceded 1. The 4^th ball was a virtual yorker dug out to short mid wicket they go for a desperate single, just throw ball to me and she is out, no the fielder charges to stumps with ball dives at wicket as does batter, so do I although I don’t have ball, there’s a 2 men and 1 woman pile up. the umpire gives it as out. I’m not sure if DRS would have came to the same decision and am quite relieved of no video evidence. The Coconuts are still in game, next ball I concede 2 and there is a handy batsman facing Rob who I befriended on holiday. Last ball 1 needed for draw 2 to win. All I need to do is follow same principles of my first five balls.  The tension is unbearable. I bowl the ball comes out of my hands too early, it’s a full toss at pedestrian speed, which is whacked into the Atlantic Ocean for 6. I’m distraught, the cheerleaders rush off for photo shoot, no time for sympathy from them. Rob consoles me.

 We share a beer and I get over my disappointment in 30 seconds  My revenge comes later over a game of draughts with one of his travel party. If MTWD are desperate for material close season a match report of this game to follow.