England's waterloo sunset as they are booted at Wellington

Health Warning. This is a first hand report on the carnage at Wellington today. The first half of the report is bearable - its when the cricket starts it gets very painful. Read on at your peril.

Wellington dawned cloudy and a bit cool – we are not supposed to get rain until next week when cyclone remains pass over the country.  But it did not take long for the sun to break through and everything to warm up. 

After Nelson, Wellington seemed huge but it is very manageable and the harbour looks as beautiful as it did two years ago.

They are definitely making a big effort for the World Cup here; there is a “village green” set up near the Civic Square, and while I was there two small Kiwi boys were batting against some rather bigger English bowlers. One was hitting them out of the green, into the trees and beyond!

There are a fair number of English supporters around but not a huge number, though it was relatively early. Maybe they are gathering in the Barmy Army pub, which I passed on the way, after crossing Ballance Street and Taylor Street in quick succession. Not sure if that is an omen!

Back at the hotel to get ready and bump into the Kiwi team - just about to leave..  Don’t know if England are staying here as well.

England cooked at the cake tin

Any lingering doubt about where the ground is, is easily dispelled the minute I step out the hotel into a stream of orange T shirts, beige coloured Kiwi shirts and the assorted English colours depending on who the sponsors was when people bought them. It’s a very short stroll to the stadium. For the purposes of this tournament it is called the Wellington Regional Stadium not the Westpac stadium because of sponsorship issues.  Shades of the O2 and the North Greenwich Arena in 2012.  Anyway it is locally named the cake tin and you can see why as you approach it. Inside the yellow seats make it look like a sponge cake.

It is definitely a stadium; none of the Arundel like charm of Nelson or anything to mark it out as a cricket ground.  The dressing rooms are below ground and the players are going to have T20 style dugouts to see anything, You can see why the match is here: they can hold 30,000 and the match is a sell out; when full it will generate atmosphere.  But it is a shame that we are losing the special nature of cricket grounds.

I am in the alcohol free zone, which is not just populated by parents and kids. There are many adult groups in as well who obviously want to be away from anything getting out of hand. Not that it stopped Mexican waves and beach balls being thrown around.

The Kiwis are practicing right in front of me and as I as writing I get a glancing blow on my knee from one of their stray balls. Need to pay attention until the match starts.

England win the first bit of the day – the toss and buck the trend by deciding to bat; but that is not a surprise as the wicket looks a good one and NZ would have done the same.  That’s all I can hear as the PA is about as good as Lord’s. 

NZ play as if it is a Test match; attacking fields, hardly anyone out and their fielding is outstanding; stifling singles and frustrating boundary shots. The first boundary is in the third over and is greeted belatedly by a half hearted puff from flame throwers behind the sight screens. Never did get flame throwers at cricket matches.  Especially in bright sunshine.

Double figures at least

England bat carefully at first and Southee takes a couple of overs to get his line right, but once he does the trouble starts. Full, accurate balls get Ali and Bell;  Ballance plays a rubbish shot after spending time getting in.  I finally fidn the radio commentary just as Eion comes into bat and Geoff Boycott is on summary. I wonder if he posts on our message board. Anyhow it can’t help him to keep coming in with England in trouble.  He looked nervous to start, nearly running himself out getting off the mark and trying the you know what shot but gradually he was beginning to look a bit more confident, and England were easing to a position where they could begin to think about starting to go for some shots.  But a fantastic catch, a marginal no ball call and possibly a decision to go aerial a bit prematurely ended his mini revival.  And you know the rest.  McCallum brought Southee back straightaway; and England folded. Attacking fields accurate, swinging length bowling tore the heart out of what was left of the England batting.  . If they weren’t bowled, they were finding the edge or and Southee in particular just looked unstoppable.  Poor Root who had played sensibly all through just got stranded as the batsmen and then the tail just fell apart. 100/3 should never become 123/100. Middlesex battingcollapse.com would be proud.

All the while the crowd gave NZ very noisy and strong support. That was good to see given that when I was here, two years ago, there was all the kerfuffle with replacing Ross Taylor as captain, allegations flying around and the team looked in disarray. NZ have recovered well which is some message for England – tides to turn.

Now the next bit is even more painful but at the same time we witnessed something quite extraordinary. NZ had 45 minutes to bat before the scheduled interval and came out with no intention of repeating the Scotland stumble. McCullum was just unstoppable and it would, honestly, have made no difference who bowled.  England, quite rightly had attacking fields, so shots were always likely to go for runs.  Whoever bowled, English, Australian or Martian was going to go for plenty. Short balls, full balls, yorkers, outside off stump, full and straight, McCullum just thumped. Straight drives, top edges behind the wicket keeper, top edged pulls, all went for four or more often six. That is all McCullum wanted to do as well as win the match before the lunch interval.  He could almost have got a 100 on his own.  All the bowling figures look ugly – Steve Finn really ugly but every England bowler was cannon fodder today and every shot he played came off, especially with so few fielders out.

NZ were on the verge of winning before the interval when McCullum just missed Chris Woakes first ball – a high full toss.  So we ended up going into a forty minute interval with just 12 runs needed, Which got a huge round of booing from the crowd.  Another example of cricket rules overriding common sense.

So it was all over just after the time the second inning should have started and at least the planet has benefitted without any need to put the lights on.

Wonder how that conversation went

And there is not much more to say. Two NZ players were brilliant, everyone else was outstanding in the field; England had no answer. 

They need to really get a very convincing win over Scotland on Monday to get things back on some sort of track.

No more cricket for me now for a while – I revisit Ireland in a couple of weeks when they play India but meanwhile its of to the tourist trail.