The Task force - the untold truth

As the RFU Task Force ponders on restoring the good name of rugby and the great and the recently reformed gather to deliberate on the measures that will take the game forward an eavesdropper at HQ has revealed to COYDSC the actual proposals rather than the sanitised versions that has been released to the press. Our spy at HQ has taken the following notes from a recent meeting

Injuries and replacements -   Due to the obvious  problems with the reliability of  team doctors   it was decided that in future  all team doctors at Premiership matches will be replaced  by the District Coroner.  They will take all decisions relating to injuries incurred during a game.

Injuries  He or she will decide on the nature of all alleged injuries and  the probable causes and / or culprits.  The following verdicts will be allowed -

• Self inflicted while the balance of mind was disturbed

action  - ignore

• Self inflicted under orders from persons unknown or known

action - refer to  the newly formed RFU Cold cases unit

• Injury inflicted by persons known or unknown

action -  check on eligibility of alleged culprit to play for England in next weeks international  - if yes no further action is required  -  if the  alleged culprit is a Kiwi Sarfie , Pacific Islander  , Australian  or heaven forfend French - or has played Rugby League   throw the book at them.   Note  -  if the alleged culprit is Welsh , Irish or Scottish  ask them what the hell they doing playing in the premiership anyway when they have their own league to do this sort of thing in.

replacements  -  It was felt that  far  too many players were hobbling off the pitch for no good reason  and that the game was going soft it was proposed that  players may leave the pitch and be replaced  only in the event of  -

• loss of a limb
• death
• going into labour ( womens games only )
• vomiting and / or diarrhoea ( it was felt on grounds of Health and Safety that this was advisable )

All other  allegedly injured players  must stay on the pitch but must remain stationary  until they recover  or are certified by the Coroner ( see above as )  being defunct.

However  this will not preclude teams from replacing the injured players and additional players  will be allowed - one for each injured player.  ( this rule of one per injured player must be strictly adhered to  and we will be watching London Irish carefully -  any temptation to bring on a whole extra scrum  because a full back has dropped his earring  )

It was pointed out that  that this could mean  that  with injured players still on the pitch and new players coming on things could become a bit crowded .  After some discussion it was agreed that this could be a good thing  as it would stop all that silly running about  and would  help to develop extra skills  particularly in  navigating the rolling maul  past or around  the casualties.

Referees , assistants and TMOs

Referees It was reluctantly agreed that  referees were a necessary evil  and that we should continue to use them provided  that they had been to good schools or could prove that they had  continuous employment as a junior games master at a good school  for one term or more.

However  , it was also suggested that they should no longer have a role in deciding whether or not  a try had been scored.  This is not only a matter of their own safety  but  also removes the opportunity for  spectators  to become  unruly .   This is most important  in view of the increasing numbers of ill educated or even over educated persons attending rugby matches nowadays.

TMOs   will be abolished  as such  - instead their role  and the role of referees in deciding whether a try has been scored will be taken over by Sky television. In future Sky will provide a studio team of knowledgeable persons who will decide on whether a try has been scored in all premiership . European and International matches featuring England . In  the case of dispute  between the Sky team members  the word of Mr S Barnes will be final.

It was recognised that even with the vast resources available to them  even Sky might have some difficulty in  providing the personnel at all matches. In the event of problems in this regard it was agreed that  an inflatable  dummy  made up in the likeness of Dewi Morris would suffice.

Assistant referees / Touch judges  -   this was the subject of a very long and we regret to say acrimonious debate. This was due to Mr L Dallaligio  insisting that in his day  they were a damned nuisance with a nasty habit  of sticking their flags  up  just when he was enjoying himself lying about on the allegedly wrong side of a ruck.

Other views were expressed  to the effect that   surely nowadays their role was to provide  entertainment to the spectators of the rougher sort  during  stoppages in play. This was particularly the case at  Northampton where  the facility to abuse " touch judges"  by referring to their advancing age , poor eyesight , and in one case - a predilection for eating chipped potatoes   - was believed to be all that stopped  the  unwashed  unemployed shoe operatives  who attend that part of the ground from  causing a major civil disturbance.

In the end it was decided that  assistants should be retained   but that   a special sub committee be set up to look at the possibilities of extending their role to crowd control  and  half time entertainment.

Other Matters  -   It was  felt by all concerned that  a very good job had been done until it was pointed out that several of the proposed reforms would result in games being  interrupted for long periods of time as  Coroners and others deliberated on the complex issues  placed before them.

This was soon resolved when it became clear that  premiership clubs were in fact  becoming  increasingly very good at organising   dancing troupes  and  popular musicians  to entertain spectators before games started and even at half time.   All that was needed  was for the clubs to develop this  to its logical conclusion  and  to provide  extended entertainment by dancers and  crooners so that they were ready to perform  whenever there was a stoppage in play  or  other delay. After all   - what are the premiership clubs really for.