Worcester Preview /.....Continued

By Test1
December 24 2009

Redsaint

In the pack, a front row of Tonga'uiha, Murray, and Dylan Hartley is a match for anyone in world rugby. Unfortunately, it looks like Euan may have been rushed back a little early, and I'd have him come off the bench after half-time to make sure that in the scrums Adam Black's head is rammed so far up his own backside that he'll be included as a track on the next Radiohead album.

Backing up the front three is likely to be rugbydump sensation Courtney Lawes and the man who has stopped Saints lineout being more vulnerable to disruption than the collective English press' underwear at the mere mention of Danny Cipriani - Juandre Kruger. I'd like to think Christian Day and James Cannon are in contention, too.

The signing of Phil Dowson from Newcastle was described to me as "a coup", and he has certainly been key to making sure Saints have kept winning when not necessarily deserving too in the manner favoured during questionable elections by presidents the former Soviet Union-over. His form at blindside has necessitated Best playing as an openside, which, like Matt Banahan pretending to be an international quality winger, he patently isn't. Perhaps sitting a week out would enable him to think about both his discipline, and his choice of hairstylist. Scott Gray or Mark Easter would both be good replacements. I'd also like to see Worcester academy product Mark Hopley given a chance to stake a claim to the number 8 shirt, lest Roger Wilson be run into the ground through excessive overuse like blaming others for your own team's failings is by Steve Meehan.

 

The teams - at a glance

 

Warriors bench: 16. Chris Fortey 17. Olivier SOURGENS 18. Matt Mullen 19. Graham Kitchener 20. Chris Cracknell 21. Ollie Frost 22. Whoever in the Worcester squad can kick the ball highest 23. Calum McRae.

Saints replacements: 16. Joe Gray 17. Brian MUJATI 18. Euan MURRAY 19. Christian Day 20. Roger WILSON 21. Alan Dickens 22. Stephen Myler 23. Chris Mayor

 

The matchday experience

 

So, for those travelling to Sixways, what can you expect? There was a time when the ground was one of the most welcoming in the Premiership - recent reports suggest no more. Perhaps disillusioned by perpetual underachievement despite massive investment, and having grown tired of the cricked necks caused by watching never-ending kicks into the West Midlands sky, the atmosphere inside the in-no-ways-wants-to-be-FG stadium now veers between sterile and the holding of impromptu competitions of who-can-regress-humanity-the-most each time a physio from the away team steps onto the field.

Crowds have been falling like 50 Euro notes from Ronan O'Gara's wallet in a bookmakers, with an attendance of well below 7,000 turning out for the Warriors' last home game as rugby returns to its true level of importance in Worcestershire sport - somewhere behind two Blue Square South football teams and a cricket player called Basil, but the holiday fixture will mean a full house and therefore all Saints fans being stuck in a corner of the North Stand so subterranean and bleak that it’s a wonder that it hasn't yet been settled by Celts.

Saints fans will be met with a warm welcome from their West Midlands hosts, and any wishing to listen to their Worcester counterparts regale them with reasons as to why they are the (self-confessed) best fans in English rugby while displaying an air of self-importance normally reserved for R&B singers with sculpted iron filing goatee beards will be pleased to be able to do so over the very best thing about Worcester - two pint pots of Guinness. Given that the nearest place to my office which sells AG does so at £9.50 for a half-litre, you might be able to tell the source of my dislike for the Cheltenham wannabes. You lucky Brummie ***s! If you sip it, the second jar should just about cover a conversation about the Warriors' unrealised transfer ambitions, and the third a list of the reasons of why Worcester has the best backline in world rugby (which even if true, would be about as much use to them as having the world's best navy would be to Liechtenstein given the amount of times they actually look like using it).

Worcester might be most famous for a 1980s flavour of crisps, but it is not without charm, and if you have time after the match for some sightseeing, take along your I-Spy post-industrial wasteland pocketbook. Placing this Worcestershire scenery under floodwater so the county looks as idyllic as Gloucestershire and Hereford certainly seems to be a far more pressing issue for the Lord above than does furnishing the Warriors with a pair of GP-level half-backs, so see it while you can!

 

The prediction

 

Despite Worcester's lack of wins, ambition, and GP-level half-backs, Saints will have their work cut out to keep their unbeaten record going on Boxing Day. Saints' performances of late have at times been so far below the poverty line in terms of quality that Sting, Bono, and Bob Geldof have all considered raising their personal public profiles and staging a massive benefit gig for them.

Saints have had difficulties this year principally against teams with big packs who try to slow down play to the extent that our backs are left moving about as much as tungsten molecules at zero Kelvin. Mallinder normally gives away so little in press interviews that the only way we will truly find out what is thinking is when MI6 releases their file on him under the 50-year rule, but it was clear as a Bourgoin punch that he was not happy with how the Saints coped against such tactics from the Italians last week.

Despite struggling somewhat, Saint's superior fitness levels again won through in the end, and this weekend the Worcester pack must also be moved around the park as much as possible. Whoever plays at ten is also going to need to produce a kicking display with greater accuracy than your average atomic clock - grubbers, kicks to space out wide, and chips over the top the get the Worcester defence on the turn: yes, booting every kick straight into Latham's arms: no.

Northampton have also had problems with teams with intercept merchants and will have to be wary of throwing it about with abandon anywhere near Benjamin. Other issues will need to see Dowson and Hartley get on the right side of the referee early on - Saints would have won the opening day fixture about an hour earlier if they'd had anyone capable of pointing out the countless slowing-down tactics being employed by the entire Worcester back row en masse at the breakdown. Getting on the scoreboard before realising the imminence of a half-time roasting by a wrath-fuelled Dorian West would be a good idea, too.

Although Worcester are nothing if not obdurate, and despite the fact it takes more to fell them than even Boris Yeltsin, Saints should have enough firepower, tactical nous, and momentum to beat the Warriors like they owe a Russian small-time crook money, returning to Franklin's Gardens with four GP points and as least as many 2010/11 contracts with players from Worcester's academy.

Worcester Warriors: a score divisible by three (12 seems to be their favourite) - Northampton Saints 23

(HT: Worcester 12 - Northampton 0)

 

The links

 

*** The same five X-Factor songs being played repeatedly over Christmas not punishment enough for your ears? If you can't get to the game you can click here to listen to Radio Hereford & Worcester's shrill and imbecilic Nicola Goodwin screech indeterminate monosyllables at you for 80 minutes.

*** Alternatively you could click here to listen to a weather forecast for the West Midlands area and one of the two James' going on and on about how wonderful Bath are and cheering when the opposition score on Radio Northampton.

*** Luckily the game is on Sky, and though legally dubious, that means the game will probably be viewable to Saints in Bahrain, Florida, Tropical Moscow (Rio), and Colder than Yoko Ono's panties Moscow (Moscow) on justin, most likely here, but you can check for sure